| Remnants of a ridiculous past. |
[23 Oct 2008|12:50am] |
I havbent had a conversation like this in a long time. I like talknig to Morgan because theres so clearly nothnig there that i can be completely innappropriate with her and have it not matter in the slightest.
[00:41] Morgan: you should write adult novels or something
[00:41] Morgan: i think it's your calling
[00:42] CTrizzleMcBizzle: psh
[00:42] CTrizzleMcBizzle: i mean sure i can go off on an erotic tangent
[00:42] CTrizzleMcBizzle: but i'd never be able to put the effort into writing an actual story
[00:43] CTrizzleMcBizzle: unless it was on giant 200 page orgy
[00:43] CTrizzleMcBizzle: one giant*
[00:43] Morgan: hahahaha
[00:43] CTrizzleMcBizzle: you know you'd read it
[00:44] CTrizzleMcBizzle: you'd keep it on your bed for special late night readings
[00:44] Morgan: are you kidding? of course I would
[00:44] Morgan: who wouldn't
[00:44] CTrizzleMcBizzle: i dotn know
[00:44] CTrizzleMcBizzle: and frankly
[00:44] CTrizzleMcBizzle: i dont want to
[00:44] Morgan: "A Giant 200 Page Orgy" By Conor Treacy
[00:44] Morgan: best seller right there
[00:44] CTrizzleMcBizzle: the kind of person who wouldnt buy that isnt technically a person at all in my book
[00:44] CTrizzleMcBizzle: LOL
[00:45] CTrizzleMcBizzle: even if i dont write it i should use that as a title for soemthnig else anyways
[00:45] CTrizzleMcBizzle: it doesnt matter what the paper is about, the title says it all before you even read the thesis
[00:46] CTrizzleMcBizzle: peopel would read it, before they started actually reading it
[00:46] CTrizzleMcBizzle: and after realizing they just read a paper on economic reform they'd just assume it was a clever metaphor for the free market
[00:47] Morgan: hahahaha
[00:47] Morgan: oh my god you have to use it on your next paper then
[00:47] Morgan: please
[00:47] Morgan: & thank you
[00:47] CTrizzleMcBizzle: heh
[00:47] CTrizzleMcBizzle: i dont usually give any of my work titales
[00:47] CTrizzleMcBizzle: and i dotn usually have to write papers for my classes so we'll see
[00:48] CTrizzleMcBizzle: but i may keep it stowed away for the years to come
[00:48] CTrizzleMcBizzle: maybe one day i'll write a book on economic policy and this conversation will be in the forward
[00:49] CTrizzleMcBizzle: you'd be a famous member of the best orgy ever concieved
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| God dammit. |
[26 Jul 2008|02:39am] |
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Molly and I just had another fight. Things just arent working out liek they used to. Especially since my phone died. Molly is really possesive when my phone worked she texted me atleast once an hour and called me every night. I fucking hatew talknig on the phone. She knew that but she needed to do it anyways or else she'd freak out like she is now. Ironnically calling me every night meant that we'd get in fights because I didnt say enough (I had nothnig to say. I do almost nothnig every day of my life and thats what I enjoy doing.) and because I never called her. I wouldnt have a reason to call her normally because I have nothnig to talk about and the fact that i last spoke to her the night before for atleast an hour if not two means I have especially little to say. I'm an independent person I dont like being watched and I dont like talking when theres nothnig to say. I don't and can't rely on other peopel for happiness. You should only see others when you want to not when you need to to satiate some urge you have. Its not healthy for you and it doesnt make the other person want to spend time iwht you either. At any rate now she's still saying I dont call her enough. Its true, we've talked much less this week than any other week. I've enjoyed it. I've had peace. I still want to see her and I really want to hang out with her but I dont want to talk to her on the phone. We already had our schedules worked out ofr the week and we both agreed we dint have any time. Lo and behold the moment I left for the party tonight she called my house to hang out because her parents left. Then she couldnt get ahold of me. When we talked onlnie for a bit she taunted me about it. She knew it was the one time in about am onth we'd be able to even make out because of her issues. I'm sorryb I found that a little frustrating, then she went off on this tangent about how I should check in with her more often to make sure things didnt change. I'm not donig that. If things change for her she should call me. I'm not just gonig to assume that shit changed and her parents are leaving every couple of days because that almost never happens. It would also help if calling her didnt mean that we were jsut gonig to get into another fight. We've been spending less tiem together to try and see if things clear up and its worknig for me but not for her. I'm enjoying the peace and I'm starting to miss seeing her but she's gonig nuts. She simply wont calm down. After 9 and a half months of being in a relationship with me she's just as nervous and untrusting of me as when we started and for no reason. I havent ever even considered leaving her for soemoen else. Everytime the idea of breaking up enters my mind I feel like crying becuase Ireally want this to work but she still doesnt seem to get that I need my space to keep my own sanity. The most frustrating part is that during almost the entire spring it wasnt like this at all. Everythnig has taken two or three steps backwards and we've started fighting. The few times when she's actually felt like getting intimate something always happens to get in the way or she sets it up so that it all goes her way because she feels so inadacuate and I give her all the encouragment and affection inthe world. I've tried to consider her feelings more and I've tried to be less selfish but its really hard when without warning shecjust explodes. Then I immedialty get put on the defensive and I never am able to think of an argument as an argument but more of a puzzle. Its a bad habit but I cant just stop and none of the thnigs she argues about make sense and many of which arent particularly fair. I do everything she asks of me, that I'm capable of I jsut dont do them her way. I show her I love her by gonig to her house, putting my arms aroud her and not letting go until she forces me out the door because her parents are trying to sleep. That annoys her sometimes but her way, of talknig on the phone for two hours a night, annoys me so that seems like a fair trade off.Asking me to instead convert to her way and start calling her is BS when she knows I'm not that kind of a person. So...yeah I dont know whats gonig to happen. Neither of us want to break up at all but things really arent improving. This blows.
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[12 Jul 2008|02:03am] |
Wow. I'm surprised people still use this thing. I'm surprised I randomly decided to use this thing. I probably wont do it again but whatever. I'm in a rare mood. I just finished tlaknig to Molly who just finished rolling my change. I was gonig to use coin star because I dont care about 9 cents of every dollar but such things are apparently unreasonable in her eyes. She instead spent upwards of three hours rolling $123 in change, twenty of which was in pennies. To pay her back for it I'm taking her out to dinner which is coincidentally more expensive than coinstar, also coinstar would have taken less time. Ah...women. I'll never truly grasp what goes on in those silly little heads. Maybe all she really wanted was a nice big meal. Because it was her reward for a job well done, I gave her the liberty of choosing where we ate. The gift of choice is more like taking away the opportunity of peaceful negotiations. Neither of us are typically good at making decisions so we argue with one another until theres only one possibility left. I suggested Poco's which reminded me that Julian now works there. I made a joke about us getting "Vampire Red"(TM) Tacos which prompted a discussion about the difference between pink (light red), light red(pink), and Vampire Red(TM)(light pink). In the end Molly just wanted to know why anyone would serve uncooked meat and I bowed my head in shame.
I guess I never fully explained to her the phenomenon that was Julian. I say was because he has since toned it down. He even has a steady and respectable girl friend. See's not even twelve this time. I'm sure she's partly to blame for the drop in his Outragometer(TM). I would describe her as a Democrat. I only saw her for a half hour or so before being dropped off but she worked feverishly for the Obama campaign and spoke to us while dipping a carrot in humus. Echh... humus. Though I'm sure she's a nice person, I'm not sure I'd ever really get along with her. When it comes to peopel who are really into politics I can never shake the feeling that whenever a conversation becomes serious I'll be ridiculed about things that only seem to matter when you're talknig to someone who's really into politics. If McCain got elected it wouldnt be the end of the world. There wont be a draft, and things will be mostly the same if Obama were elected. The reason I voted at all in the primary is because I actually HATE Hilary Clinton and there is nothing more gratifying to me then to have born witness to her failure. If I could see every time she's failed in her life I'd probably laugh at every one. Infact if I could time travel I'd go to each of those moments and yell PWNED until she was reduced to a nervous wreck. (If the Catholics have it right I'm already in Hell so go fuck yourself.) Theres so much I could say, but I dont feel like writing anymore. Also its that hour when I go "Fuck its too late to do anythnig but sleep." I do so little and yet I always feel like I'm running out of time.
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| Shit |
[09 Oct 2007|04:41am] |
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Ok i just woke up from the most fucked up dream I've had in awhile, and since I dont really have anyone to talk to at 4:41 in the morning I think I'll just write abotu it in here. It started pretty non chalant with a terrible TERRIBLE pokemon game I was playing. After I finished playing that I "woke up" To find myself failing at life and unable to get a job or soem shit. I was more watchnig someone else who I'd never seen before but I felt everyhting he felt and it was really painful at times. He pulled out some box at one point and asked it to help his failing career...it hurt. The box pulled his hands, my hands, to it like a magnet but I couldnt touch it for awhile. Then I did. It burned. It was horrible, the world turned black, kinda like silent hillish. Faceless horrors flew throguh the streets screeching, peopel feel to the ground covered in scars and boils. Everyone was still apparently there but they were different. Tainted by this new way of seeing the world. Then, and I'm not making this up, John Madden, completely untainted showed up. Why Madden do you say? No fucknig clue. Infact the first thing I said after waking up was WHY WAS MADDEN THERE!? Anyways he went on abotu this whole spiel. He was apparently untainted because he was using the same dark magic I was, he asked why I'd use it for such a trivial thing. And told me its fine at first, you get what you want and things are great, "but then you start to see them, they walk aroud the streets with no eyes." he was tlaknig abotu some other weird demons I never got around to seeing. I dont know, at this point I freaked out and ran but I was pulled through a wall to some building. A woman was crying about her lost child. I heard a voice. I was to find the child and kill it. I didnt even think. It was a dream after all. I handed the child over on some altar and flew up into the air and was ripped apart by some darkness, then I "woke up" again. I needed a light. I tried turn the lamp next to my bed on but my hands still burned from touching that box. I couldnt move them around the switch. I however thought this was legit real life and sarted to panic. I started hearing more voices from the darkness. Demons yelling at me, the crying baby, the mother who still couldnt find her child. I freaked the fuck out then I actually woke up. And right now, needless to say I'm exhausted and scared shitless. Not only was that arguably the worst dream I've had in years it was so vivid and horrible I'm literally afraid to go back to sleep. I thni I'm gonig to rely on wow to get me throgu hthe rest of the night. Fuck nightmares.
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[10 Jun 2007|03:08pm] |
MAtt upon hearing about Mariah:
[15:05] ESPNisawsome: wrap your stump b4 you hump
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[14 May 2007|03:15pm] |
Heh, My dad was in the Portsmouth Herald yesterday. He wrote a letter, flipping out at some guy who said SUV's are vital to the US economy and that all librals are scientists who are wrong abotu global warming. I dont know the specifics, since I didnt read that other guys letter, and I think my dad can be pretty idiotic when it comes to politics, but if its against some guy who doesnt beleive in global warming I think I think I'm gonna side with my dad on this one. Anyways, I just thought that was interesting.
The side effects have mostly subsided. Still no change in my anxiety.
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[12 May 2007|10:34pm] |
[22:29] CTrizzleMcBizzle: i saw julian the other day
[22:29] Matt: im sorry
[22:29] CTrizzleMcBizzle: he had a pony tail on the front of his head to keep the hair out of his eyes
[22:30] CTrizzleMcBizzle: yep
[22:30] CTrizzleMcBizzle: you heard me
[22:31] Matt: ...
[22:31] CTrizzleMcBizzle: i know
[22:31] CTrizzleMcBizzle: thats what i said
[22:31] CTrizzleMcBizzle: then i walked away
[22:31] Matt: i wish my computer had just crashed so i couldn't read that
[22:31] CTrizzleMcBizzle: lol
Yeah, Matts had computer troubles. Ironically its an error with his CMOS..... inside joke. Anyways, summer is upon me and I have began it with marathon gaming a trip to the movies and an ass load of work. Thats what summer is all about.
Anxiety: 5
Mood: 4
I've started waking up at odd hours, most of the time I can get back to sleep ok, but there have been a few days that I've woken up at 8 and couldnt gert back to sxleep for another couple of hours. Occasionally I feel sad, but things have been going well and it doesnt last for more than maybe an hour at a time. Still no appetite.
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[09 May 2007|03:03pm] |
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I forgot to update the past couple of days. Oops. My anxiety hasnt gotten better yet, but I guess its not supposed to. At any rate, I've started taking full sized pills now so it should kick in any time soon. The side effects have mostly worn off besides the appetite problem but as far as I'm concerned thats one of the least problematic ones to deal with. I'm done with school finally. Now for a nice month and a half off before I take Global Climate....stuff and see how that goes. Its too fuckin hot.
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[06 May 2007|12:41pm] |
Mood: 5
Anxiety: 7
Yesterday I was well enough to go back to work, which was a fairly good time. Although Pam hired two new people, and I'm back to working three days a week. Stupid whore. At any rate I still dont have an appetite. Thats really the only side effect thats persisted. I can live with that as long as my anxiety is able to die down enough for me to stop feeling sick.
In other news Amanda FINALLY gavem e my birthday present. I got Dr Robotnics Mean Bean MAchine and Star Fox, both games I beat on a daily basis when I was between the ages of 7 and 12. That said, I lost on the first level on DRMBM and only managed to get a medal on Fortuna in Star Fox. These results were as unacceptable as they were mortifying. I eventually beat DRMBM (PS if anyone likes puzzle games I TOTALLY want to play you in that. Its fun, trust me) but I can see it taking weeks before I am able to unlock expert mode in star fox. Oh well... Im' a couple of essays away from it being summer, so whatever.
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[05 May 2007|01:45pm] |
Mood: 5
Anxiety: 7
No appetite. Yesterday I couldnt go to work. Today I'm gonna give it another shot. Hopefully I'll manage to get soem food down beforehand.
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[05 May 2007|12:06am] |
Mood:5
Anxiety:3
Still no appetite.
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[04 May 2007|01:39pm] |
I'm gonig to start updating as much as possible as my mood changes to better monitor things.
Anxiety:4
Mood:4
I woke up this morning fucking cold. I lsot five pounds and my appetite. Last night around four I felt like crying until I went to sleep. I woke up and felt like vomiting again. My mom and I went over the side affects of the medication and all of this are possibilities. Considering on a daily basis I feel none of them except the vomiting when I'm anxious I'd say its safe to say that stuff is fucking me up. I'm waiting till the end of the weekend to call the doctor to see if they go away. Ugh....I have work until ten.
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| Bleh.... |
[04 May 2007|02:08am] |
Every few hours I'm reminded the medicine still hasnt taken affect. Atleast its died down enough for me to eat. yesterday I was dry heaving becuase I hadnt eaten in a day and a half. All I can say is, this shit better work. I've had enough of feeling this way for no reason.
PS Naruto Mugen pwns u all.
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| I'm back bitches. |
[02 May 2007|03:47pm] |
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Yeah thats right. In your proverbial faces. Yeah...Jess suggested I keep a journal to keep track of how the medication is effecting me, and that seemed like a pretty good idea. What with the suicidal tendencies and the extreme depression and the diarea. Basically this is moslty just shit thasts going and seeing if my meds is fucking me up or making things better. I read some of the side affects and apparently the meds can cause things they're meant to prevent. SWEET. A double dose of suck could potentially be headed my way. At any rate, my dad gave me some special pill today that I'm never allowed to take again. I guess my brother got asddicted to it or soemthing. Anyways it pretty much pwned all of my anxiety. I gave my repor, and all was well. I really wish i could just take that pill when need be rather than using the shit i'm on. The irony being that I'm begining my medication in thec summer when i should need it less. Oh well. We'll see how it works in the fall i guess. BTW if none of this made any real sense its becuase this shit i just took fucks you up, and everythings kind of in a haze. Anyways uh....yeah. Two papers, then i'm done with school until mid june. woot
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| Saw it coming... |
[03 Apr 2007|01:24am] |
| Greed: | Medium
| | | Gluttony: | Medium
| | | Wrath: | Low
| | | Sloth: | High
| | | Envy: | Very Low
| | | Lust: | Low
| | | Pride: | Low
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The Seven Deadly Sins Quiz on 4degreez.com
I'd write more, but as htis shocking graph indicates I'm much to lazy. Stuff's been gonig on but I havent been in the state of mind lately to write abotu any of it. Maybe once summer roles around...
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[11 Mar 2007|02:04pm] |
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I came into work today and Mark was all up in my grill with htese weird looks. So I was like I'm supposed to work at four today right? And he was all, " Well, you're in at three, you think its four, but you dont work until five.... So no." I blame Amanda for this inconvenience.
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| WHEN WILL THEY LEARN!?!?!? |
[09 Mar 2007|12:56am] |
Me: (After seeing an add for a guild entirely in french) WHY ARE THERE FRENCH PEOPLE!?!?
Frenchy: Bonjour!
Me: GO TO HELL FRENCHY!!!
Some guy: They're french Canadians.
Me: French Canadians!?
Me: That's the worst kind of Canadian.....
Canadian: Screw you, Canada ROX!!
Me: You've got nothing to brag aboot, eh?
Canadian: GO EAT SOME BIG MACS FATTY!!! I HATE AMAERICA!! The only time I went to America it was to piss on their Parlaiment!
Me: ......we dont have a parlaiment...
Canadian: Yeah well atleast the world doesnt hate us.
Me: That's just because the world doesnt know you exist. They all think you're part of the US.
Me: Yo dude, I'm having an argument with a Canadian about how much Canada sucks.
Jon: What side is he on.
Me: The wrong side.
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[01 Mar 2007|12:21am] |
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Today was filled with....stuff. I went to class and hated it like always, good times. Matt and I have started like actually talking. So yeah thats cool. I got home and I played Trama Center and watched tv till like fivem inutes ago. No Marcus....I think I was supposed to call him when I got out of class but I really didnt have any ideas of what to do and Matt couldnt come so I was like; "If he really wants to do soemthnig he'll call me anyways." He didnt call. The first red sox "game" was today. It went into extra innings right about when I lost interest. The game is a lot less interesting when no ones really trying and I have no idea who any of them are. Also Youk looks fucking weird with facial hair. I talked to Sam and Matt and they said they were interested in gonig to a game sometime. That'd be pretty cool. I was htinknig abotu trying to go on my birthday, but when I checked today all the tickets that were available yesterday were gone. I want to do somethnig for my birthday again, not because I actually care that its my birthday but rather becaue it gives me something cool to look forward too, and my birthday jsut seems like a decent excuse to do something cool. Tomorrow I'm getting my check, going to Gamestop and gonig to Amanda's concert. I wish those things took longer. In all actuality I could probably accompliush all of those things in under an hour and a half. That just leaves 12 and half hours!!! (assuming I take out 10 for sleep) I might just be crushed under the extreme pressure of life. I forget why you have to pass a certain standard to pay people to teach you? When I think abotu it the arrogance they get away with is apalling.
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| Hm... |
[28 Feb 2007|08:42am] |
My mind returned to last fall. It kind of got me down again. I want to try harder. I want things to work out. I want to find someone great, or perhaps get a second chance. I read some of my old entries. It was almost two years ago, but I feel liek I havent really gotten anywhere. I took this quiz again to see where things stood...
My spirit is as high as ever. I've always had that to fall back on. Prepare for the worst but hope for the best is pretty much how I do things. I may never show it but I care about things and am constantly trying to improve them. People look at my life and call me lazy and pessamistic, when really I just wait until I can work at my full potential. Sometimes I wait too long and that potential isnt realized, but I dont give up as long as I have a shread of hope left. I'm like that to a fault.... That quiz may not be scientific, and there was probably some fudging involved, but when I look at it I see an honest representation of my life. Mind and body are about where they were but my spirit and will are even stronger. I cant say I'm surprised that my love life is even worse than it was though. So much room for improvment.... if only I knew how to improve.
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[27 Feb 2007|12:05pm] |
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Ok..... so I'm definatly sick of sucking at life. KTHNXBYE.
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